10 September 2007

I want my, I want my, I want my N. D. E.

THE BIG GUY: I definitely don't feel well. But now I seem to be floating... floating... up to the ceiling. Yes, I'm up on the ceiling looking down on some fat fella... oh. That's me. I've definitely looked better. But what's that up there? A glowing white light... a light of uncommon purity. And who's that coming out of the light?

GOD: Hello Luciano. Are you ready to come home?

THE BIG GUY: Is that... really you, God?

GOD: Most certainly.

THE BIG GUY: Has anyone ever told you you look a lot like Marianne Faithfull?

GOD: I do get that sometimes, yes.

THE BIG GUY: So... so this is it, I suppose.

GOD: "It"?

THE BIG GUY: The end. The end of my life on earth and the beginning of... I don't know, really.

GOD: "Life everlasting", you mean?

THE BIG GUY: Well, I suppose that's up to you, isn't it? I get judged on the good and the bad I've done, and if the balance turns out right, I go up to heaven. And if not, I suppose I get sent to... that other place.

GOD: "Other place"?

THE BIG GUY: You know, the place Down Below. With all the fire and brimstone and multiple piercings and eternal punishment and heavy metal records played backwards.

GOD: I don't think there's any fear of that, Luciano my dear boy. You've done plenty of good in your time. You've raised money for charity. You've uplifted and inspired people with your music. You've kept thousands of restaurants financially solvent. Have no fear, when the time comes you'll be coming up to Heaven along with all the other bright shining souls. We are short a few tenor voices in the celestial choir, after all.

THE BIG GUY: "When the time comes?"

GOD: Well, this is it, you see. You've been a great example to the rest of humanity and now here you are, terminally ill, in pain, living out your last few days. The least I can do is give you a little slack time. I think it's only fair that you get time to end your days with a sense of noble finality, blessed with the knowledge that when you finally do pop your clogs, you'll be up here with me for the rest of eternity.

THE BIG GUY: So my time has not yet come?

GOD: Oh, it'll come sooner rather than later. It's up to you, really. All I'm offering is a few days at the most, to say goodbye to your family, friends and loved ones.

THE BIG GUY: Well, that's wonderful. So I can stay a few more days, put a full stop to the sentence and make a dignified end to my life, is that it?

GOD: If you want. Or you can come with me now if you prefer.

THE BIG GUY: That's a very kind offer. But I've made my peace with everyone. I've been unwell for over a year now and it's no picnic, but I've been a lucky man in life. I've had a good family, plenty of friends. I've said goodbye to them all, really.

GOD: Well, what about that Irish fellow you used to hang around with?

THE BIG GUY: You... you mean Bono?

GOD: Yes, indeed. Good old Bono. Lovely boy.

THE BIG GUY: Bono's back down there waiting for me?

GOD: It looks as though he might even start singing, any minute.

THE BIG GUY: All right, God. You can take me now then.

No comments:

Post a Comment