24 March 2007

...Jayzus, the class of spam we're getting these days...

"You assume right. A concert it is-and now. We havent had any live he left, he made this recording. Told me to give it to you. Told me clue now to the whereabouts of the alien artifact. A clue that was be certain. Were not taking a chance on that. Lets show them what a pack of real rats can do! any possible tails the Admiral had put on me. I was risking my life-in and dropped onto the couch. Oh-so we have remembered it at last. Dont you want to know what it at war we seek only peace. We survive. They will kill themselves, but Applied technology, he said. Perhaps this lot isnt as bad as the Always good to meet a true fan. We all bowed now since this was not me as I fled. I was the last to arrive and I collapsed and joined the up, yawned and stretched. With great reluctance the sun had finally I thought you said computer? was my baffled response. have been thinking about the poison and counting the days before I"
But have no fear, darlingest lecteur. Spam is only a bad dream you had once, on a summer night when the lightningbugs throbbed outside your window and it was way past beddiebyes time. You are here, this is now; all is good. Feel no shame over the state of your inbox, for it is a clean and pristine place. The streets are safe. Honest. Really.

21 March 2007

So, what's it going to be then, eh?

Let's see, there's

or even the more obvious

but let's face it, the most accurate description of this particular bit of online muck you're reading would probably be more along the lines of

(Blog threat levels courtesy of sedition.com.)

16 March 2007

Barr an mhaidin chugaibh...

Where else could it happen, and at what better time than St. Patrick's weekend? At this writing, the water in my hometown is being tested for possible contamination with Cryptosporidium, so we've all been advised to boil water before using it - even before brushing our teeth. So there's been no coffee (because coffee urns don't boil water), no tap water, and I've had to be creative with the usual morning dental ablutions. I did my customary session at the gym this morning (40 minutes of cardio and some weights) and, cheap bastard that I am, I usually bring in an empty water bottle and top off from the water fountain. Today, though, I actually had to pay 90c for a litre bottle of Volvic... boo hoo.

Fortunately, this is occurring (ahem) at a time of the year when very little water will be consumed...

More importantly, tomorrow is my dad's birthday, he'll be 74 this year. Happy birthday, pops! :-)

11 March 2007

Many are called, but few are chosen, and a bloody good job too sez you.

Time for you to meet some of my friends. People who make my life the immeasurably wonderful, bristling-with-possibilities thing that it is. With the aid of these fine folks, I would never have been able to improve my sex life, get myself a Ph.D. without even having to study, become rich beyond my wildest dreams (simply by depositing some money in a Nigerian bank for a few months), get cheap jewelry, medication and "handbag replicas" or "make [my] dick bigger than a (sic) Statue of Liberty..."

Where would any of us be without these fine people? Are they not truly the Florence Nightingales, the Mother Theresas, the Mahatma Gandhis even, of the interwebbity? For they keep our inboxes well provided with material that is often likened to a cheap, pork-based foodstuff much celebrated in Viking song. And all our lives are enriched tenfold, thanks to them.

Their nomenclature is somewhat distinctive also, because many of their names sound like the sort of multicultural hodgepodge delineated in cyberpunk fiction. Yet another sign of the dynamic, ever-changing world in which we live in. Here are some of them. Perhaps you too have encountered several of these people. Or you may run into them sometime in the future. If so, please pass on my sincere thanks to such sterling souls as:

Williemae Yoshie
Medusa Tynes
Rusty Berger
Alana Aguirre
(As in "Wrath of God", eh? Just what spammers deserve I suppose.)
Cadwallader P. Hustings
Lorenzo Martin
Bauer & Whitlock Fontenot
Dixon Marcelo
Louella Diaz
Emerson Lesley
Margret Felicia
Weston Delmer
Sophie Clayton Ragland
Pedro & Rigoberto
Eugenia Roxana
(Got to be a porn star, this one.)
Gaye Kayla (Ditto.)
Sommer Delaine (Ditto ditto.)
Delfuego Borg
Miguel McCribben
Radhakrishnan Belmondo
Refugio Leblanc
The Vincent Marino

Thanks to these and many other fine people, my life has changed beyond all recognition. For now I amble around the place in bootleg designer clothes. My digits twinkle with cheaply obtained jewelry. My neck also is hung, festooned even, with cut-price bling. My libido has heightened to the degree where I now require several partners a day.

My eyes sparkle with pharmaceuticals purchased at knock-off prices. I hold three Ph. D.'s, five M. A.'s, two M. B. A.'s, and licenses to practise law, medicine and chartered accounting in most civilised countries. Sometime soon I shall be receiving bank draughts worth millions from several African financial institutions. And speaking of "hung", I can no longer wear short trousers, because my penis now reaches below my knee, and is as thick as my forearm.

01 March 2007

With appy polly loggies to the divine Ms. W...

(To the tune of REHAB by Amy Winehouse.)
They told us we could stay with Rahab
We said, "No, no, no."
They said "you gotta spy, give it a try,
Just go, go, go"

She used to be a pro
But that was before we took Jericho
And now we've put her in the Bible
So you'll know, know, know.
She said, "Just hide beneath this flax
I'll keep the soldiers off your backs"
She told them "Sorry, I ain't seen no spies today
They must have gone... that-a-way..."
So now we owe it all to Rahab,
Don't you know, know, know
She gave us all the skinny, so we could win
At Je-Rich-O
When Joshua blew his horn
That poor old wall was torn
Now she can get another job
And stop being a ho', ho', ho'.
(Joshua 2:1-27)